Fast Food, Slow Minds

posted on october 18, 2002, tag: me

I stood in line at McDonald's today, and, as always, worked my stare across the face of every person the tiny restaurant, sizing the other patrons up and creatively thinking about how I'm probably so much better on so many levels than everyone in there.

One particular man had a problem understanding exactly what goes into the McTasty burger, and needed several questions asked before he could cough up the one dollar. The questions started in broken English, quickly transforming themselves entirely into Spanish just after I heard the words, "No pickle pickles ketchup?" This just reinforced the fact that I was so perfectly ready to order, therefore how much better I was than him. I mean, let's get serious here—when I was told to "step down," I did so quickly yet smoothly, and delivered my order with clarity and precision. I did not have to be asked which kind of soda I would like. And, when the total was given ($6.70), I easily handed over the seven dollars I had already removed from my wallet whilst standing in line. Meanwhile, bumblefuck to the right of me is yelling, "Fry! I fry! Large meat dollar."

In the crowded small ordering area, things can get rough. You have to learn to roll with the punches, move with the masses, and never, ever step too far away. The trick is to step exactly once to your left and then once back, thus positioning you perfectly for a quick pickup once your meal is ready and bagged, yet also allowing plenty of room for the next person to step down and order. If you over step, you could lose your food forever, as it can be difficult to make it back to the front of the line with everyone pushing you and yelling, "Hey, the line ends back there, pal," and, "Fucker!" I saw a lady today order a small Diet Coke and a small fry, only to lose it to the floor shortly after due to excessive pushing. She wasn't as smart as me either. I tried to tell her that as she picked up a few fries, but she didn't seem to want to hear it.

It's funny, but my being better isn't only limited to patrons either. I'm better than the whole corporation. How do I know this? Well, on my way out I passed by a large standing sign for bobble-head toys. A small piece of paper had been taped to the left side of the sign, and it read, "Buy a bobble-head toy today and get one free hamburger!" Underneath "free hamburger" someone had taped a coupon for a free hamburger, apparently so you could see what one looked like (in case they hadn't quite sold you on the 'free' or 'burger' parts, but you really liked coupons). As I walked out, I glanced at the coupon, and saw the proof of my greatness. It was stamped, "McVoid."