Homeless Man "Not a Doctor"
posted on march 27, 2003, tag: random
New York, NY — Today, a crazy homeless man announced what non-homeless people have feared for years: bread causes diabetes. The announcement came at 10:37PM near the register of the Gourmet Marketplace, a small deli located on John Street in southern Manhattan.
"You can't eat so much bread!" the man yelled out suddenly, scaring a nearby woman. "It will kill you. My momma had diabetes, she dead, my sister had diabetes, she dead. Now I gots it." Even without being asked, the homeless man continued his story: "It's the bread, man. Believe me. It ain't sugar. That's a lie. It's carboes. That's what do it."
Shocked and disgusted by what he was hearing, the cook preparing 'home-fries' for the homeless man began to toast a bagel. Almost immediately, more warnings were heard. "You listening to what I'm saying to you? I ain't a doctor. I'm no MD. I got no reason to lie. Stop with all the bread!" He then managed to walk in circles for almost two minutes, mumbling something that sounded like, "bah-bah-dah-dah," although exactly what was mumbled is unknown.
Upon receiving his finished home-fries, the homeless man made sure everyone in the deli, which is rather large, knew he was "keeping it real," and that there wasn't anything "phony" about him. He reaffirmed his anti-bread statements, requested a fork, and then left without paying.
Comments
There are 7 comments, comments are closed
Shawn on 03/27/2003:
The scary thing is that he's right. For the most part. Somewhat. But not wrong. Which is scary.
Garrett on 03/27/2003:
The Editor cannot comment either way on whether or not the homeless man was right. Like the homeless man, the Editor also ain't a doctor. He's no MD, either, but does keep it real.
jonathan on 03/27/2003:
Regardless of any possible dangers bread might pose, this is damn funny.
Steve on 03/28/2003:
Did he say anything about eating paint chips? I'm no doctor, but maybe the bread he's eating contains them.
Josh on 03/31/2003:
Yo Holmes,
Off topic, whatever happened to that idea of releasing the referrer script.. The people want to know.
Garrett on 04/01/2003:
Shawn: Are you homeless?
Jonathan: Thank you.
Steve: I didn't hear anything about paint chips, but I wouldn't rule it out. God knows what he eats if he doesn't eat bread.
Josh: I honestly haven't had time to do anything with it, but I am keeping it in the back of my mind. Perhaps soon I will take the time to clean it up and release it. Keep checking back.
Jen on 04/18/2003:
bread = carbs
sugar = carbs
So he was right, sort of.
Vignettes like this make me miss living in NYC, but not all that much. I poignantly remember getting hit on by lots of Indian guys looking for wives.