Ticker Tape

posted on july 15, 2003, tag: random

Local Man Not God, Apparently
BROOKLYN, NY — After many years of trying to convince friends and family that he's God, Garrett Murray found out today that he is, in fact, not. "Well, I never claimed to be the God, but at least a God," Garrett told reporters outside his Williamsburg apartment this morning. "But either way, it's not true. I found a zit, or pimple—if you will—on my face today. Gods don't get pimples." When asked what he planned to do, now that he knew he wasn't a God, Garrett replied, "Well, I'm probably going to have to stop smoking so much and daring people to shoot me."

Eating Rocks Good For You, Study Says
HARTFORD, CT — A new study conducted by six-month-old babies has produced shocking results: eating rocks is good for you. Yesterday when the group of babies released news of their findings via the Fisher-Price Winnie the Pooh Friendship Phone, scientists around the world were instantly voicing their opinions on the subject. Frank Davidson, PhD, said, "It's about time someone did a study about eating rocks. I've got to give those tiny babies credit—they're stepping into unknown territory here." Findings from this study were difficult to understand, but to dispel confusion one of the babies demonstrated how to properly eat a rock by sucking on it for a while and then accidentally choking on it, then turning blue, then receiving the Heimlich maneuver, then swallowing. The babies' group leader, Stinky Pants, could not be reached for comment.

War in Iraq Not Over—There Are Still People to Shoot
BAGHDAD, IRAQ — United States Army Soldiers are finding that it isn't quite time to go home yet. Their mission in Iraq, which started months ago now, is still technically active due to an awkwardly worded clause in their orders. "It appears someone in high command wrote 'Make sure you've shot everyone before you come home,' as an order instead of 'Make sure you've got everyone before you come home,'" says Lt. Gerald Walker. "It was an honest mistake, but it's causing some problems here." Soldiers are randomly shooting in circles now, hoping to complete the typo-order in the near future.