Today's Ticker Tape
posted on july 19, 2003, tag: random
Misunderstanding Causes Problem
ALBANY, NY — In a rare incident over Fourth of July weekend, two men were arrested for fighting after a misunderstanding. "He told me the fireworks weren't 'up to par', and I disagreed," said Thomas Jones, one of the two men involved and an avid fisherman. "Then he said I didn't understand what 'up to par' meant, and I became frustrated. I told him he didn't know what that meant, and he punched me in the face." The men fought outside Jones' rural home until a police officer drove by and stopped them. "Well, I could tell it was a misunderstanding," Officer Grimes told reporters, "Because they both kept asking each other what the hell they were talking about between punches."
Man Had a Mouthful
STATEN ISLAND, NY — Yesterday, Leroy Watkins, 37, ate this own arm at the King's Buffet All-You-Can-Eat restaurant in Richmond. What began as a simple buffet meal, in which Watkins revisited the "fresh meats" bar several times, ended in tragedy when he accidentally ate his own right arm just before dessert. "We've had some close calls in the past," Leroy's wife, Alberta says, "But we usually stopped him before he did anything like this. Today, though, I was just too busy eating pudding to notice he had started to eat this fingers." Leroy doesn't remember how it all happened, but he said he suddenly "looked down and realized I was chewing on my shoulder, and I was really full."
Fruit Blamed in Shooting Death
BIRMINGHAM, AL — Henry Washington, a local farmer, was found dead from a gunshot wound to his right temple on Thursday night. Police quickly apprehended Quinton Sims, the local magician, who said admitted his guilt almost immediately. "I'm very sorry for Henry's family," Sims said in a statement to the press, "But I can't stop myself from shooting whenever I see an apple on someone's head." Apparently Washington had been collecting his crop of apples when one fell and landed on his noggin, just as Sims walked by. "I just had to do it. It's the magician's code," Sims said. No other famous magicians could be reached for comment save David Copperfield who said, "The magician's code is not to shoot people. It's to wear tight pants and have crazy hair."