A Review of the Newest Trailers
posted on january 27, 2004, tag: entertainment
The following is a collection of one-to-two-sentence reviews of each of the trailers currently listed under "Newest Trailers" at Apple.com. Note that I've watched every trailer but have obviously not seen any of these films.
The Reckoning
I can't stand Willem Dafoe and I can't tell whether this film is about Shakespeare or has nothing to do whatsoever with Shakespeare. Either way, it looks very much like a film attempting to be dramatic and "acted" but will probably end up being 3 and a half hours of people thinking about how much they hate Willem Dafoe and/or wondering if the film is about Shakespeare or has nothing to do whatsoever with Shakespeare.
The Ladykillers
Tom Hanks looks remarkably like Colonel Sanders (you know, KFC?) in this film and the trailer gives the impression that the film takes place some time before the 90s until you see Marlon Wayans half-way through, wearing tons of bling-bling. None the less, and aside from the fact that Tom Hanks is the only credited actor on the Apple site even though there are quite a few people in this film, it looks somewhat funny.
Intermission
Irish guys yell a lot and do some illegal things for reasons that probably mean something to certain characters in the film and fight because they're Irish. Also there are two women and the guy from Star Trek: The Next Generation who wasn't Scottie from Star Trek but had the same job on the new Enterprise... I forget his name but he's Irish.
The Son of The Mask
Ha ha ha ha. This film will not be funny.
Touching The Void
Do you remember that scene in the beginning (and, actually, the end) of the movie Veritcal Limit when they have to cut the rope because otherwise everyone will die? Well, this documentary is about two friends who climb together and one cuts the rope but the guy who falls lives and other such stuff which could be interesting or not.
Anchorman
Looks to be a great and funny film that might actually keep me feeling better about Will Ferrell leaving SNL. Hopefully it is as funny as it looks and hopefully they won't make a sequel that isn't as funny thus ruining the first film too.
Starsky and Hutch
Has the potential to be as funny as it was when it was first released a few years ago with the title Zoolander.
Against the Ropes
Combine Meg Ryan (with a really poor, fake accent) with Omar Epps (with no acting talent whatsoever) with a story about boxing and such (something that is very difficult to make interesting) and you have one of the crappiest movies coming out for the next 4 years. I hate you Omar Epps.
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
I'll admit it—Lindsay Lohan is fun to watch and I liked Freaky Friday. I might actually see and like this film too.
The Trilogy
This film is an interesting idea and could end up being really great or really awful. I don't think there is an in-between when you do something like this and hopefully it's not awful.
The Clearing
First, let me say that I thought Robert Redford was dead already but apparently he is not. Second, let me say that I can't stand Willem Defoe (see The Reckoning above), and third let me say that this movie looks to be at least 5 hours long and some weird combination of Proof of Life and Teaching Ms. Tingle.
Jersey Girl
Okay, let me get this straight—Ben Affleck, George Carlin, Jason Biggs, Liv Tyler and some stupid little girl (don't get me wrong I like little kids it's just that I hate that specific little girl) and it's directed by Kevin Smith? I am going to eat shit and then I am going to shit it out and then I am going to eat it again and I'm going to record the whole event and show it to people and they will like it more than this stupid fucking film.
Ella Enchanted
Why is that girl speaking without an accent when everyone else has an accent? No, seriously, why doesn't she have an accent and why is there all this kung-fu involved?
The Stepford Wives
Nicole Kidman is getting scarier and scarier about as quickly as her cat-eye makeup is becoming more and more pronounced. Also, what the fuck is this movie about... I haven't seen the original film and from this trailer it looks to be about robots.
Spartan
Ed O'Neill reprises his role from The Bone Collector (not really) in this film by David Mamet that also stars Val Kilmer (from the award-winning films Batman Forever and Willow). The trailer is loud and in your face and the movie will most definitely be bad.
The Battle Of Algiers
Film that was apparently "Banned in France [in] 1965" and "Screened by the Pentagon [in] 2003," is being released in the States in 2004. It's about France and Algeria and battles and, from the looks of it, people pretending to be ghosts and then killing the people who realize they are not, in fact, ghosts.
Hidalgo - Trailer 3
No. Absolutely not—no way in hell, not a chance, no fucking way, I hate you Viggo Mortensen and your stupid horse movie.
Scooby Doo 2
Fuck you. Fuck you 2.
A Cinderella Story
Hillary Duff must die, but I love Jennifer Coolidge and her crazy, fat face... and isn't that the guy from that WB show One Tree Hill? If so, he too must die.
Two Brothers
This is like that live-action version of The Jungle Book, but with less story and Guy Pierce. Why couldn't someone have trained that tiger that ate Roy to eat Guy Pierce too?
Twisted
Ashley Judd is officially on my shit list, although it's nice to see that they've replaced Morgan Freeman with Samuel L. Jackson in this film. My favorite part about this trailer is that when you view the large version, it blocks out Andy Garcia and that's good because I hate him.
Cold Mountain - Trailer 2
I can't make myself watch this trailer. It has Jude Law, Nicole Kidman and Renee Zellwegger in it—who pissed God off so much that he actually put all three of these fuckers in one film and then got it released?