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A Complaint

8 comments (closed), posted on november 9, 2004, tags: random

PayPal's Ugly Dude

Dear PayPal,

You provide a great service. Granted, you've upped your fees a little in the past year and had a pretty bad outage recently, but other than that you've been doing a great job and I use your services all time time without hesitation. In fact, if it wasn't for the fact that I use your website so frequently, I wouldn't be about to lodge my complaint:

Please replace the photo of the ugly bastard (above) you have in the center of your index page with something more appealing.

Now, I know what you're going to say: looks aren't everything. And, while I agree with you in general, in this case I have to disagree. That guy is just hideous. Is this what you wish potential customers to be greeted with upon their first visit to your site? Some sort of hook-toothed squinty-eyed mega-chin? Would new customers feel safe storing their hard-earned money near a guy who looked like that? I'm telling you: if that guy walked up to me on the street at night I would clutch my purse extra tight. I mean my wallet. My wallet. Especially if he was smiling strangely like that and leaning his head back just so.

The thing is, you have two other pictures on the site, just under that monster's snapshot, and they look pretty normal. Why not have them be the focus and push this troll's photo into the corner of one of your obscure pages (like the thrilling FDIC Pass-Through Insurance page!). He could sit there grinning all by himself, reserved for scaring accountants and people who get lost.

Thanks in advance. Oh, and please apologize to that man's children for me.

Love,
garrett

Another "Busy" Entry

2 comments (closed), posted on august 30, 2004, tags: random

The weekend was long, and we really packed it in. Hiking in upstate New York, pedal-boating in Prospect Park, a movie (Garden State), the Mostly Mozart festival at Lincoln Center, hanging out with Shawn and editing last night before catching up on the last few missed episodes of Six Feet Under. Whew.

Work progresses on our third short film, and we're nearing completion. Now we're working on what to do next. I think we're going to try to make this work a daily thing, so that we're constantly doing something. Whether it be brainstorming, writing, shooting or editing—just doing something every day.

Meanwhile, work continues on xPad. I'm implementing app-wide search, which is really the only true feature xPad is missing at this point. Once it's finished, the app's usability index should skyrocket.

Lots of other stuff going on all over the place. Little projects here and there. Trying to pull it all together. Trying to focus my efforts on the really important stuff—and I'll get there—it's just going to take me a bit.

Dr. Bott Stinks (Somewhat)

10 comments (closed), posted on july 14, 2004, tags: random

Update: Eric Prentice, CEO of Dr. Bott, LLC has responded to this entry to clarify that the site does indeed have a secure checkout option and has apologized for the incorrect response the CSR gave over the phone. This entry will remain intact for posterity.

I had an interesting experience with Dr. Bott today. They sell computer parts (mostly Mac stuff), and they had a firewire hub I'd been looking for, and for $10 cheaper than anyone else. Happy with my find, I added the product to my cart, registered as a new customer and clicked to check out.

I was just starting to enter my credit card information when I happened to glance down at Mozilla's lock icon and noticed it wasn't, in fact, locked. Thinking I had missed a link to a secure checkout, I back-tracked. Nope, insecure. I looked around for a few more minutes, then I gave up and called them.

Me: "Is there a secure checkout area of your website that I am not finding?"
CSR: "No, we don't have a secure section."
Me: "Um, why not? You're taking credit cards."
CSR: "We have lots of customers, there haven't been any problems. We don't have any problems."
Me: "Okay, but that's not your security stance, I would assume—that because you've never had a problem you don't provide your customers with proper security?"
CSR: "I get a lot of calls. I deal with big clients, lots of clients actually [laughs]. They all don't mind. They make purchases all the time."
Me: "That's great, but that's not a reason to be insecure. You're telling me that because you've never had a problem, you don't care your site is insecure."
CSR: "I can take your order over the phone. But I have a lot of big clients, and they use the site."
Me: "That's beyond ridiculous, to tell me that is your reasoning. Are you saying my apartment shouldn't have a fire alarm because I've never had a fire?"
CSR: "No, no, but we just don't have any problems. You want me to take your name?"
Me: "No thanks, I won't be buying from you."

I will never buy from a website that does not provide security when I'm sending my credit card information. Ever. No matter who they are. You shouldn't either.

On a side note, Shawn and I have just finished shooting our second short. Look for it soon.

CNN: MP3 Shits

2 comments (closed), posted on february 21, 2004, tags: random

CNN: MP3 Shits

This is not a photo collection, just a single photo. It's from CNN, just a few minutes ago, from a story about the RIAA cutting down on illegal downloads. They showed someone going to different websites with illegal MP3s.

In the history dropdown, there was an address I found funny. Sure, it's supposed to be MP3s Hits, but on national live television it looks a lot more like MP3 Shits.

I love you CNN.

Bush Will Do Whatever He Wants

3 comments (closed), posted on february 5, 2004, tags: random

Bush's official response to Massachusettes' ruling on gay marriage yesterday is absolutely typical and pathetic:

Today's ruling of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court is deeply troubling. Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman. If activist judges insist on re-defining marriage by court order, the only alternative will be the constitutional process. We must do what is legally necessary to defend the sanctity of marriage.

Is it just me, or does it seem like Bush is going to continue to do whatever he wants, and fuck everyone else if they don't agree? He wanted to go to war in Iraq, the US and UN said no, he said fuck you all, I'm gonna do it. Now he's decided that regardless of the fact that individual states have the right to make their own laws about marriage, he's going to attempt to fuck that up too.

It's becoming clear that no matter who wins the democratic nomination, they should be voted for. Anything is better than this.

More 'Pulling a Jackie Chan'

posted on september 16, 2003, tags: random

When Shawn and I were talking about this the other day, I forgot to mention that "pulling a Jackie Chan" also works for other life obstacles:

  1. Lost your keys? Locked out? Have a bathroom window on the second story you always leave open that's a few feet away from a corner where two walls meet? Simple—run to the wall, kick off one, then kick off the other side of the corner, and so on, until you reach the window. Then slide through in one smooth motion.

  2. In handcuffs? Jump up in the air, and while in said air, bring your hands under your feet and around to the front of your body. You're still in handcuffs, sure, but now they're in front of you.

  3. On the roof of a three-story building (or one of roughly the same height) and need to get down quickly? Grab that rope over there, tie one end to something that will hold your weight. and coil the other end quickly around that bucket. When it's done, kick the bucket out of the way, step into the center of the coil, and pull the coiled rope up onto your waist. Step to the edge of the building, look back at where you tied the rope and tug on it a few times to make sure it's gonna hold and so some of that powder can fly off it like it always does in the movies. Then, leap off the building such that you're in the air sideways (like you're lying down) and the rope coiled around you will spin you down toward the ground. With any luck, the rope was exactly long enough to place you comfortably on the ground. You'll be dizzy, so cross your eyes and walk crooked for a bit.

I don't even need to mention jumping from building to building over wide alleys, swinging on chains in Nazi gold-storage caves, hanging from a ladder from a helicopter as it rams you into billboards or driving Hovercrafts.

Lessons, Chapter VII

4 comments (closed), posted on august 6, 2003, tags: random

When I was in high-school, I began to write a children's book entitled Lessons. Each chapter would have a short story and from that children would learn valuable lessons. It was never finished, but here is chapter VII:

     "That's why you don't stick your head into closing elevator doors," Dominic said. "Because it fucking hurts." He reached into his pocket and drew an already-soiled, white handkerchief and wiped his forehead. Sweat escaped his skin onto the dirty kerchief, and his forehead lost its shine.
     Aaron looked up at his tall father with disgust. "You didn't really have to tell me that, dad," he said, rolling his eyes. "I'm not a moron."
     Dominic rubbed the large lump on his right temple. "I know you're not a moron, son, it's just that sometimes you do stupid things without thinking about them."
     "I do?"
     "Yes," Dominic said as his stopped rubbing the lump on his right temple and began rubbing the lump on his left temple.
     "Like what?"
     "Remember when you set your mother's hair on fire last Christmas?"
     "That was you!" Aaron yelled. Spit flew from his mouth.
     "That was not m—"
     "Stop rubbing those nasty bumps on your head and remember!"
     "Oh," Dominic said slowly. "That was me."
     "Yeah, it was. And it was you who ate that piece of plastic we found on the sidewalk, you who put the firecracker in your shoe, and you who dared your sister to piss on your face." Aaron looked his father directly in the eyes. "You're the moron, not me."
     "That's fair, I guess," Dominic said. "I may have dared my sister to piss on my face, but at least I didn't drink piss this morning."
     "What are you talking about now, fucko?" Aaron said, confused.
     "Before you woke up this morning, I pissed in your mouth," Dominic said, as he punched himself in the right-temple-lump.

Lesson: Elevator doors close hard and make your dirty, lumpy, piss-faced father go crazy.

Smart UI Design

2 comments (closed), posted on july 29, 2003, tags: random

Apparently, Safari is not only a web browser, but from time to time also a thesaurus and sayer of deep and meaningful things. Or, quite possibly, this event is just one of those random things that makes you laugh when you see it.

Lost: Not Found

Today's Ticker Tape

2 comments (closed), posted on july 19, 2003, tags: random

Misunderstanding Causes Problem
ALBANY, NY — In a rare incident over Fourth of July weekend, two men were arrested for fighting after a misunderstanding. "He told me the fireworks weren't 'up to par', and I disagreed," said Thomas Jones, one of the two men involved and an avid fisherman. "Then he said I didn't understand what 'up to par' meant, and I became frustrated. I told him he didn't know what that meant, and he punched me in the face." The men fought outside Jones' rural home until a police officer drove by and stopped them. "Well, I could tell it was a misunderstanding," Officer Grimes told reporters, "Because they both kept asking each other what the hell they were talking about between punches."

Man Had a Mouthful
STATEN ISLAND, NY — Yesterday, Leroy Watkins, 37, ate this own arm at the King's Buffet All-You-Can-Eat restaurant in Richmond. What began as a simple buffet meal, in which Watkins revisited the "fresh meats" bar several times, ended in tragedy when he accidentally ate his own right arm just before dessert. "We've had some close calls in the past," Leroy's wife, Alberta says, "But we usually stopped him before he did anything like this. Today, though, I was just too busy eating pudding to notice he had started to eat this fingers." Leroy doesn't remember how it all happened, but he said he suddenly "looked down and realized I was chewing on my shoulder, and I was really full."

Fruit Blamed in Shooting Death
BIRMINGHAM, AL — Henry Washington, a local farmer, was found dead from a gunshot wound to his right temple on Thursday night. Police quickly apprehended Quinton Sims, the local magician, who said admitted his guilt almost immediately. "I'm very sorry for Henry's family," Sims said in a statement to the press, "But I can't stop myself from shooting whenever I see an apple on someone's head." Apparently Washington had been collecting his crop of apples when one fell and landed on his noggin, just as Sims walked by. "I just had to do it. It's the magician's code," Sims said. No other famous magicians could be reached for comment save David Copperfield who said, "The magician's code is not to shoot people. It's to wear tight pants and have crazy hair."

Ticker Tape

posted on july 15, 2003, tags: random

Local Man Not God, Apparently
BROOKLYN, NY — After many years of trying to convince friends and family that he's God, Garrett Murray found out today that he is, in fact, not. "Well, I never claimed to be the God, but at least a God," Garrett told reporters outside his Williamsburg apartment this morning. "But either way, it's not true. I found a zit, or pimple—if you will—on my face today. Gods don't get pimples." When asked what he planned to do, now that he knew he wasn't a God, Garrett replied, "Well, I'm probably going to have to stop smoking so much and daring people to shoot me."

Eating Rocks Good For You, Study Says
HARTFORD, CT — A new study conducted by six-month-old babies has produced shocking results: eating rocks is good for you. Yesterday when the group of babies released news of their findings via the Fisher-Price Winnie the Pooh Friendship Phone, scientists around the world were instantly voicing their opinions on the subject. Frank Davidson, PhD, said, "It's about time someone did a study about eating rocks. I've got to give those tiny babies credit—they're stepping into unknown territory here." Findings from this study were difficult to understand, but to dispel confusion one of the babies demonstrated how to properly eat a rock by sucking on it for a while and then accidentally choking on it, then turning blue, then receiving the Heimlich maneuver, then swallowing. The babies' group leader, Stinky Pants, could not be reached for comment.

War in Iraq Not Over—There Are Still People to Shoot
BAGHDAD, IRAQ — United States Army Soldiers are finding that it isn't quite time to go home yet. Their mission in Iraq, which started months ago now, is still technically active due to an awkwardly worded clause in their orders. "It appears someone in high command wrote 'Make sure you've shot everyone before you come home,' as an order instead of 'Make sure you've got everyone before you come home,'" says Lt. Gerald Walker. "It was an honest mistake, but it's causing some problems here." Soldiers are randomly shooting in circles now, hoping to complete the typo-order in the near future.

Some Common Misconceptions

3 comments (closed), posted on july 15, 2003, tags: random

True:

  • I once ran a website all about Katie Holmes. It was called Katie Holmes Online (KHO).
  • I am left handed.
  • I have a shaved head, and have for a year now.
  • I talk about OS X, weblogging and other technical things too much for my girlfriend.
  • So does [Shawn](http://morrisonfilm.com "MorrisonFilm"), especially when we're all at a local bar and I'm yammering on about xPad.
  • I love movies.

False:

  • I am the current owner of the domain kh-online.com.
  • I write with my hand all curled up as if I were pointing the pencil at myself (like most lefties do).
  • Before I shaved my head, I had hair 25 inches long that I would braid into tails and then whip them around while yelling, "Get out of my way, the hair's out of control!"
  • I created OS X and weblogging and other technical things as well as my girlfriend.
  • Shawn only drinks cranberry juice at bars and often urinates publicly.
  • I wrote and directed E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial.
  • ManiacalRage used to be called BonerRage.

Just thought you might like to know is all.

I Must Say

5 comments (closed), posted on july 15, 2003, tags: random

I must say that Diet Coke is something only illegitimate children, menopausal women and gynecologists drink. In fact, I'm willing to widen that spectrum to include people on the Atkins diet, but even they would probably just drink regular Coke (or pig's blood—whatever, so long as it doesn't have carbs). I love listening to people order a bacon-cheeseburger and a Diet Coke. "I would like eight pounds of fat shoveled into my throat, and then please bring me a Diet Coke—I have got to watch my weight." Also, Diet Coke tastes closer to raw chemicals than Coca-Cola Classic, which is already too close. I feel like some sort of synthesis is happening in my mouth every time I taste Diet Coke, and since I'm not a scientist—that's not good.

I must say that I would be a happier man if only attractive people wore revealing clothing. But as it seems, only Diet Coke drinkers feel the urge to cram their buttocks into a thong, pull the band up over their hips and then put on a pair of whitewashed, low-rise jeans. I especially love the way this looks when combined with that effect really large asses have of almost eating themselves (you know what I mean—the closer to the crack the cheeks get, the more they squeeze in, but they're all flabby on the outside). Also, it seems the style for 20-something women now is to grow a large beer-belly before wearing a revealing shirt. Yummy.

I must say that with all the beauty in the world, I cannot help but get angry. I mean, I don't know if you've ever seen a flower or a cute little birdie, but those things have a tendency to really piss me off. It's the little things that really put me in a foul mood... like morning dew or a pleasant "Hello" from a coworker. I know these things make other people happy, but I can't stand the sight of morning dew. Makes me feel rotten. My guts hurt. I just can't take it sometimes.

I must say that if the L train keeps taking forever to get there in the morning, I'm gonna fucking lose it. It's bad enough that I have to stand on the platform with all the confused, new-to-New-York, fat people, but now I have to wait for a late train? I hate it! How many more times do I have to complain about this before it stops? I guess a lot.

I must say that having a camera is great, unless you just take a bunch of pictures and never show them to anyone. This is what creepy 40 year-old men do in movies like One Hour Photo. If you're going to paste all the pictures to your bedroom wall, at least have the decency to show everyone a picture of that.

I must say that hurricanes are a serious problem.

I must say that this feels good. And bad. Depending.

[All due respect to [Shawn](http://morrisonfilm.com "MorrisonFilm") and his entry.]

Britney Spears Needs a Man?

10 comments (closed), posted on july 11, 2003, tags: random

This has got to be one of the most ridiculous things I have seen in a long while. In an MSN article on July 8, Britney Spears admits to having sex with Justin Timberlake during their two-year relationship. But that's not the ridiculous part (come on, everyone knew she was doing it, let's not kid ourselves)—the ridiculous part is a quote near the end of the article. Britney says:

"Yes, I kissed him [Colin Farrell]. Of course I did! He's the cutest, hottest thing in the world — wooh! He's such a bad boy. But it was nothing serious. Seriously, I haven't had a boy in a really long time, and I'm really craving ... just a kiss, man. Just a kiss would be nice."

Are you telling me Britney Spears is having a hard time finding someone to kiss her? What the fuck? Jesus, she could probably walk into sex if she wasn't wearing pants. I don't understand this for a second. Hell, I bet even the interviewer made a comment like, "Are you fucking nuts? Fuck it, I'll do you right now." What is the world coming to when Britney Spears can't get laid?

Cats Love Lasers

5 comments (closed), posted on july 1, 2003, tags: random

A few days ago I finally got replacement batteries for one of my old laser pointers, and since then we've been having all sorts of fun with our two cats. Apparently, cats want to kill lasers, but do not seem to understand that they are just dots of light. That's what makes this all so fun. Another nice thing is that the cats don't seem to understand that we are controlling the laser, so they will chase it infinitely and when you stop, they don't dislike you any less (although they do sit for about an hour looking for the laser).

Last night I decided the outside world must see our cats in the act—specifically Oscar, who has a habit of jumping quite high while attempting to destroy the stupid little red dot. I captured a few 30-second movies with my digital camera and then edited them quickly and poorly in iMovie. You can download this movie if you have QuickTime 6. It's definitely worth watching to see Oscar panting like a dog in the end (even if the movie in its entirety is of shitty quality and compression). Enjoy.

Cats Love Lasers
Requires QuickTime 6 (8.2MB)
If you don't want to stream it, you can download this ZIP file at 7.9MB.

Quote of the Day

posted on may 28, 2003, tags: random

Steve, looking for a job, IMs this my way: "Eh, who cares. [The application] was for F&P Cigar... and I don't even know if my design style fits that. It's all brown and rustic... I just thought it was cool because it was close and I could smoke at my desk." Brilliant.

In Other News...

9 comments (closed), posted on april 22, 2003, tags: random

VIRGINIA — The kid everyone knew would succeed in life is doing just that—succeeding. Again. Gregory "Greg" Robert Smith is a 13 year-old [super] genius. Attributed with "solving math problems at 14 months" and "reading and correcting adults' grammar by 2," Smith is preparing to graduate—cum laude no less—from college this May.

"Frankly, we're getting a bit tired of it," says Janet Smith, Greg's mother since he was born. "At first it was neat, you know, having a super-genius son. People would come over and marvel at his ability to solve really complicated math problems." Remember, he's been solving math problems since 14 months. "But now," Janet continues, "it's getting old. He's outdoing himself so constantly... it's getting boring to watch."

Greg says his eventual goal is to become President of the United States. "I think it would be a great opportunity to rule the country," he says. "I'm smart enough to rule the world, but I think that's a good start." When asked what Gregory plans to do after his presidency, he says, "Kill everyone on the planet and start a new race of super-beings like me. And make a flavor of Jello that has the taste of all the other flavors in one."

Naturally, Smith has no real friends. "He's god-awful to be around," says Hanna Runkle, one of Smith's college classmates. "Constantly talking about Jello. And he's not nearly as attractive as one would imagine a 13 year-old super-genius to be." Runkle refused to divulge the details of their friendship, except to say, "I fucked him and it wasn't anything special."

Smith also spends a great deal of time working for charities such as the Christian Children's Fund and is the founder of International Youth Advocates, which champions nonviolence and human rights. Aside from that, he does things normal 13 year-olds do, like burning ants with magnifying glasses and creating new versions of synthesized alkaloids.

No one knows what the future holds for Smith, but most people imagine it will be filled with money, scientific awards, and lonely nights. "Bill Gates' wife is attractive," says Smith, "and he's not even all that smart. I figure with my brain power I should be able to get a really steaming babe, or at least trick someone into blowing me."

Greg will receive his bachelor's degree in mathematics May 31 from Randolph-Macon College.

Homeless Man "Not a Doctor"

7 comments (closed), posted on march 27, 2003, tags: random

New York, NY — Today, a crazy homeless man announced what non-homeless people have feared for years: bread causes diabetes. The announcement came at 10:37PM near the register of the Gourmet Marketplace, a small deli located on John Street in southern Manhattan.

"You can't eat so much bread!" the man yelled out suddenly, scaring a nearby woman. "It will kill you. My momma had diabetes, she dead, my sister had diabetes, she dead. Now I gots it." Even without being asked, the homeless man continued his story: "It's the bread, man. Believe me. It ain't sugar. That's a lie. It's carboes. That's what do it."

Shocked and disgusted by what he was hearing, the cook preparing 'home-fries' for the homeless man began to toast a bagel. Almost immediately, more warnings were heard. "You listening to what I'm saying to you? I ain't a doctor. I'm no MD. I got no reason to lie. Stop with all the bread!" He then managed to walk in circles for almost two minutes, mumbling something that sounded like, "bah-bah-dah-dah," although exactly what was mumbled is unknown.

Upon receiving his finished home-fries, the homeless man made sure everyone in the deli, which is rather large, knew he was "keeping it real," and that there wasn't anything "phony" about him. He reaffirmed his anti-bread statements, requested a fork, and then left without paying.

Let's Catch Up

4 comments (closed), posted on march 17, 2003, tags: random

Hello. My name is Garrett Murray. I run ManiacalRage, found at http://www.maniacalrage.net, the site you're currently reading for one reason or another. You may have found this site because of my Winamp 2 plugin, CurrentlyHearing. If so, good work. Enjoy the plugin. Or, perhaps, you found this site by clicking a link on some other website (MorrisonFilm, Exploding Fist, What Do I Know, SomethingNormal, etcetera) or even from a very random Google search. It doesn't really matter now, though, because you're here.

Found herein is a multitude of various writing. From Movable Type tutorials to movie reviews to absolute uselessness (this entry falls into that category), ManiacalRage is jammed full of all sorts of goodies.

If this is your first time here, feel free to browse the archives or simply leave immediately (many of you do). If this isn't your first time here, please accept my apology for this completely ridiculous entry containing nothing whatsoever.

And thus ends one of the most URL-heavy entries ever. My fingers hurt.

Babelfish, You Bastard

1 comment (closed), posted on february 5, 2003, tags: random

Bamboo Warehouse Hiroshi AtsushiJapanese looks really complicated. And it is. I had friends in highschool who took Japanese when they finally started offering it in our junior year, and they spent two full semesters just learning how to draw and pronounce the alphabet. By the end of the year, they were able to count and read/say hello, goodbye and similar things that even retards could learn. It's that complicated. So much so, in fact, that even computers can't understand it most of the time.

Babel Fish, via AltaVista, tends to translate Japanese into very funny gibberish. Today I took a look at Apple's Japanese Switch Campaign via Babel Fish and got some great stuff. The names are the best—since Japanese names tend to have actual meaning, Babel Fish makes these people sound crazy. Click the picture of "Bamboo Warehouse Hiroshi Atsushi" up there for a look at the entire list.

Before I Go

17 comments (closed), posted on february 2, 2003, tags: random

A few quick thoughts from today (amidst packing, ugh):

Columbia breaks up upon reentry, and I didn't hear about it until 4 or 5pm. Worse yet, I didn't even know Columbia was up there. Even worse is that it didn't bother me all that much. What does that say about me? The first thing I thought was, "Well, it's a dangerous job. And, as much as it sucks, more people will die in car accidents today." Perhaps 9/11 has lowered my disaster scale. I don't know. I'm not a bad person, I don't think.

While looking through old stuff and throwing away all of the crap I've been dragging around with me in the past few moves, I came across tapes the college radio show Steve and I did. I miss that show.

Packing is really, really, really shitty. I don't know if I've made that clear. I don't ever want to do it again. I plan to stay in our new apartment for the rest of my life, no matter what. I do not like packing.

À La Craig's 'Missed Connections'

posted on january 23, 2003, tags: random

You: Three women and one man. About 35 years a piece. One of you looked a bit younger, though. You were the stupid douchebags talking extremely loudly about your stupid fucking lives at 8:30AM on the New York-bound NJ Transit train. You didn't realize you were the only fuckoffs talking on the whole train you fucking bastards.

Specifically She: The loudest of you cocksuckers. The one wearing a skiing hat from the early nineties and a shit-eating grin, who kept saying, "I was like..." and "I mean, like..." wherein the ellipses lead to her laughing by herself at nothing.

Me: A guy, tired as all hell, trying to get an extra hour of sleep on a normally peaceful and quiet train. I was wearing the Gap shirt and the "Fuck off you motherfuckers" face.

Them: Everyone else on the train who now knows that one of you got ripped off by a contractor, and the other guy had a pseudo-humorous battle with a raccoon the other night in his attic.

[I went ahead and actually posted this to Craig's List as well. — Ed.]

Rotten Eggs

3 comments (closed), posted on december 28, 2002, tags: random

Last night, at the infamous Broadway Diner in the infamous Summit, New Jersey, I ordered three scrambled eggs, "home fries" (also called hash browns when not in a diner), a side of bacon and a coffee. After heavily creaming and sugaring my bitter coffee and eating a few pieces of bacon, I took to eating my browns and eggs.

The potatoes were fine, a bit undercooked in some places, but livable. The eggs, however, were another story. They tasted of orange cleaner, then of just cleaner cleaner. I called our barely-speaking-English waiter over and told him the eggs were inedible.

He told me they were, in fact, perfectly fine: "I see him make them. They good." Well, I exclaimed, whatever you say, but I'm not eating them. After a few minutes of arguing, he finally said, "Okay, you want more? I replace them." I was hesitant but accepted.

Two minutes later I was brought a new plate with new eggs and more undercooked home fries. I cut a small piece of egg with the side of my fork and placed it into my mouth. Immediately I tasted oysters. After a tough swallow I told Katia to try them, but before she could she smelled them and refused. I again asked our waiter to come over.

This time he was noticeably annoyed that I did not enjoy the Broadway Diner's rotten eggs. He argued openly, telling me they were, "Just eggs!" and "I not lie to you... I tell the truth. The tuna, maybe that I say is no good. But eggs are fresh." Disgusted, I told him he could say whatever he wanted, and I would pay for the shitty eggs, but I wasn't eating the fuckers. He gave up the argument and walked away.

He did not get a tip.

Ho Ho Ho

3 comments (closed), posted on december 24, 2002, tags: random

I hope everyone has a merry Christmas and a happy new year. Or a cheery Chanukah or a krazy Kwanza or whatever the hell holiday you celebrate.

Cheez-Its® Not Actually All That Complicated

6 comments (closed), posted on december 10, 2002, tags: random

Baked Snack CrackersI enjoy Sunshine brand BIG Cheez-Its. They're good. It's like eating at least two or three regular Cheez-Its for each BIG Cheez-It. I'm not too good at math, but I know a good deal when I eat one. One thing that does bother me, however, is the packaging. On the left side of the box, there's a "diagram" of a BIG Cheez-It, with some clever features listed. For instance, the hole in the center is described as "Air Intake: Improves aerodynamics during periods of rapid Cheez-It® consumption." I like that. What I don't like, though, is the last sentence on the side of the box that assumes I'm a stupid fucking mental patient. Click the picture to your right to see what I mean.

A Few Pointers

posted on june 12, 2002, tags: random

Advice for a rainy day:

  1. Don't throw your cigarette onto the roof of the car you're driving in. It's possible this could start an engine fire. That would not be good. Unless you are invincible. Even then, still not good.
  2. If you decide to walk to lunch, check the weather first. I suggest weather.com. You never know if it will be pouring down rain on the walk back until after you've eaten your cheesecake and feel like a fucking hog.
  3. If workers are digging a trench next to your building, don't question why they have a bottle of champagne in their cooler. Frankly, after digging a ditch in the rain they deserve to celebrate.

Another good thing to remember is that drinking rain in New Jersey is probably more dangerous than you think.


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